Bruised, but not Broken...

I've been off the radar lately. Partly because I've been working hard, and partly because I've been busy hanging with a boy rather than writing about boys. Well, yet again I've been unlucky in love... So here I am, sharing my tales of woe.

I'm a person who wears my heart on my sleeve. Not ever do I do anything that I don't whole heartedly invest myself into. Sometimes it means getting hurt, but I don't think I'd have it any other way. Right now, I don't really know how I feel. Over the last couple of days I've felt sad, lost, hurt, angry, defeated... well just shit really. But I suppose it's all worth it, cause I don't think I would take any of the time back. I hate to admit it, but I really did have the time of my life over the past few months, and I can't really remember the last time I was that happy. Was it worth it? Of course. In fact I was so happy, and having so much fun, I didn't realise how much I actually cared.

People are strange creatures (boys in particular are the more curious species, I find). We're all afraid of being alone, yet we're all so afraid to let ourselves be vulnerable. We're all so strong and independent, yet all we want is for someone to love and care for us so we feel wanted and validated. We don't want to hurt, but we all want to be loved with no risk involved? Well, I don't believe in that... I've had my heart broken a few times now. But you know what? Every time I do, my heart just gets a little bigger. And I may hurt now, but at least I felt something wonderful, and exciting, and intimate, and special... and real. Even if it was only real to me.

I'm bruised, yes. It hurts that someone you care about so much, doesn't care for you in the same way. Actually, it totally sux. But I'll get over it, and I'll do it all again if I have to. I don't mind being on my own, but I'm not afraid to admit that I don't want to end up alone. I want to go through life feeling... even if it means feeling like shit sometimes. Being bruised isn't so bad, as long as you don't let it break you into someone too afraid to love again.

Blah... blah... blah...

I feel a little bit lost at the moment. I've had a pretty good run with boys, and I've been having a great time... call me hormonal, or a woman, or emotional, or human, but I'm beginning to feel a little empty. I guess I just want to love someone, and for them to love me back. I really miss that feeling of being safe with someone. As much as I love being an independent woman, I guess I feel a little bit lonely sometimes as well. I've met so many fun and amazing people on my journey so far, and making new friends and discovering myself again has been some of the best times I've ever had. But I guess I just want someone who I don't always have to be fun in front of, and someone who I can show my weaknesses to... and someone who will love me at the end, and still think the world of me, even after they've seen my tears, and how ridiculous I can be.

I'm not unhappy... I'm still having heaps of fun. I guess past all the fun and smiles and partying, you can sometimes begin to feel a little empty. I love being the person I am, and I am so grateful for the awesome people around me. Sometimes I just get a little tired, and all I want is to just be me... even if that means feeling a little sad and sorry and allowing myself to indulge in those feelings even just for a while.

Forgive me for my selfishness... but I want this blog to be as honest a representation of myself as possible. And sometimes, we all feel like poop. No matter how lucky we are, and no matter how things are going we all fall into the trap of feeling a little bit lonely. I've never really fit in anywhere... I've always been a little odd. I like it like that, it's who I am. So as well as sharing my crazy and fun journey of food and boys, I'm also sharing with you the honest part of me. Don't worry, tomorrow is a new day and I will have already talked myself into a better mood. Sometimes, all we want is for someone to listen. So thanks, I feel better already... x

Grrr... Persimmon Attack

Yikes, I'm turning into a mushy persimmon again. How did this happen? Could be that Hot Boy is so damn hot! (Hence the name) I was so fine before he came along... hahaha that's what I keep telling myself anyway! I can feel myself falling, and me being me... I just can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve. You see my problem is, that the last thing I ever want to be is a ball breaker. I'm a people pleaser... well I'd like to be anyway. And so I try to play it so cool, that maybe I don't really show how much of myself I am actually investing... It's not that I let people walk over me, but I tend to give too much then burn out. Hmmm am I sounding like a psycho now? No.. der I'm just a woman.

I went salsa dancing for the first time in ages the other night and it was so fun! I was also having a drink in a bar, and Quentin Tarantino was sitting behind me! I've been a little down lately cause I didn't get a call back for ABC 3 which I sent an audition tape in for... You can watch my video on the side bar! >>> There are so many things that I love doing. And as much as I love my job, I don't want to do it forever. I'm feeling lost and mushy and now I'm just rambling sweet nothings. So I will leave you with this crazy poem I wrote the other day... (don't hate on me cause I secretly want to be a gansta biatch)

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Makes me nervous, wanna heave
Fuck this crazy heartfelt shit
I won't be nobody's bitch!
How'd I get so goddamn soft?
Wanna rip this damn sleeve off

Food Affair

I've been doing way too much eating & loving lately, and not enough writing! But boy have the adventures been fun and so I'm back to share the love...

Where do I begin? I've been on a few food adventures to some nice new places, and with the company of Hot Boy at home, I've been at the stove doing some cooking as well!

One of my fave new places is Big Rig diner! Serving up fresh fajitas, hot dogs, burgers and Jack Daniels chilli con carne till 3am, it was sure to get my attention right from the beginning! Sitting in the booths there makes you feel like you're in a real American diner. And the super fruity white sangia is way too easy to drink. Apart from the masses hanging out the front trying to get into Ruby Rabbit on a Saturday night, this place is super cool and all the cool cats seem to be hanging out there at the moment. It's the new hospitality slut joint on a Saturday night, which means the food must be good!

In my own kitchen, breakfast seems to be my forte... Hey, when you have a Hot Boy sleeping in your bed, it's enough reason to be celebrating with good food in the morning! My new signaure dish is toad-in-hole BLTs with home made onion jam. Goddamn, they are good! (Even if I do say so myself) and apparently Hot Boy seems to agree... cause he seems to keep coming back for more ;) Although this week I made home made pancakes with caramel bananas, bacon & maple syrup, and I have to say they were definitley a close contender in the signature race... But enough tooting on my own horn more food adventures await!...

The new restaurant Omerta in Darlinghurst was another foodgasm experience I enjoyed recently! We started off with some salted cod fritters, moved onto spiced salami with runny eggs, had some char grilled king prawns (look, you'll have to forgive my poor food descriptions here... there was Hot Boy sitting across from me who was wonderful to perve at while I was having a foodgasm - it was all too much to take in detailed food descriptions as well...) but the
highlight of my evening was definitely the pork belly with mustard fruits. Oh lordy... I wanted to take that stuff home, bathe in it, soak in it, purée it into a lotion and rub myself with it, then maybe lick it off myself slowly throughout the day... Ehem, excuse me... I tend to get slightly carried away... but this was food porn at it's best! Only it wasn't porn cause I could actually put it in my mouth... Yummm...

Wow... All this talk of food is making me hungry! Lucky I am on my way to see the family with some chicken soup I made last night with a fresh baguette and truffle butter... Mmmm... Hopefully mum has some good ole Filipino treats for me as well!

Girl meets Boy

Why do us females have to be so complicated? I see myself going through the following motions as if I were a third person, and I find myself wanting to bloody kick myself into some sense. Nevertheless I am female, and therefore prone to the following ridiculousness...

Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Boy seems to like girl. Girl and boy start to hang out... Girl and boy have a really good time together and enjoy each others company. Girl and boy seem to be seeing more & more of each other and kissing and cuddling and all that mushy stuff. Girl and boy continue to see each other and have loads of fun together. Girl starts to fall for boy... Uh oh... This seems to be when the franticness starts... the following thoughts henceforth begin to occur:

Does he actually like me? Where is this going? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? What if I'm just a rebound? Am I ready to do this again? Should we talk about this? Maybe he's just seeing me because it's... SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Once I've finally beat myself with a pole until I start thinking like a normal person, I start to realise this: opening our hearts, and letting go is exciting, yes. But it also makes us vulnerable. Which I now begin to realise is a wonderful thing!? This is the best part about boys... the kind of knowing, but not definitely knowing... the thrill of the chase... the joy of being caught... the fact that you dig someone and they actually dig you back. But the deceiving thing about this vulnerability, is that it feels so similar to insecurity.... nothing is defined or confirmed or categorised yet. And hell... you really don't know what this is, or where it's going... But does it actually matter? If we think too much about it, then we forget to enjoy ourselves... and before we know it, we're bored and not really having much fun cause we're too busy thinking about it. You see what I mean? I know how ridiculous this is... but the funniest thing is, I know I'm not alone in this craziness! Girls, please tell me I'm not an over analytical crazy person? It's just so easy to fall into that damn trap! Stuff all this thinking... I'm going to laugh at myself, shake it off, and think like a man.

Moving Forward

Sometimes it's hard to move on, but I think I'm just about ready to. I've been hurt in the past... but I've also fucked up a lot too. And the past can't be changed, nor is it ever really forgotten... I suppose we all just accept and forgive what's happened. After all, we're all just human... and to forget our past is to deny who we are. Holding onto it though, means holding ourselves back. I feel like I'm finally moving on and letting go, and allowing myself to be happy. That's a hard thing to do sometimes. I expect a lot from myself, and I guess it means I tend to punish myself a little as well... But I've come to the conclusion that we're all different and we all make mistakes. I'm nervous and excited, cause I know I'm opening myself up to a whole new world of possibilities, and vulnerabilites... but shit, I'm going head first and I'm going to enjoy the bloody ride. Because to be honest, I think my heart has already decided what it's doing... so, what the hell I might as well cross my fingers and hope for the best, right?

Peek-in-Duck!

Okay, so this post might be a little late, but nevertheless I had to write about it... Peking Duck at Good Luck in Enfield... Oh my, it was sooooo good. I've actually convinced my family to go there for my sister's birthday in a couple of weeks! So excited! Yay! You have to order the duck a day in advance, and believe me it is so worth it. If it wasn't such a pain in the arse to get to by public transport, I would definitely be there more often! The skin on the duck is amazing, and the house made pancakes are soooooo good. Other things on offer were the Kohl Rabi Salad, Masterstock Peanuts, Lamb Hot Pot... and my favourite ending... Toffee Apple Fritters... Yum! Don't even ask me to explain what the food was like. It was just yum. How can you try to explain what actually happens when you eat? For starters, I don't think I could do it justice... and secondly I wouldn't want to spoil the fun! I've been here before, and will definitely be back again. And the best thing? It's so affordable. That's what I love about finding those little golden gems in the suburbs - they're approachable, authentic, and there's no wank. Sometimes all we want is to go out and put something delicious in our mouths without the fandangle, and the hooha... If you want really good Peking Duck, then Good Luck is the place to be!