Hearts on display...

This is the thing about blogging... it's out there on the world wide web. I have a journal where I've written my personal thoughts and feelings for the past 15 years or so. But no one ever has to read them... Being me, I always seem to be so brutally honest and open about my life and putting it in a blog just seems like trouble waiting to happen... But nevertheless here I am divulging personal information about my life as if I had verbal diarrhoea. So... I guess I better start from the beginning... no, not the beginning of my life, but the beginning of me. The beginning of me being a sole person, which has never happened before in my adult life. Not until about a year ago, and which I had not actually come to terms with till about five months ago.

Don't worry, I won't make this too long (the operative word being 'too'). Previous to me meeting myself as a single person last year, I had been in a pretty intense relationship with my Soul Mate for almost four years. And previous to that, I had been dating my best friend, and Childhood Sweetheart for four and a half years... literally till the day I started dating Soul Mate. So for the first time in over eight years, I was not in a serious relationship and so I filled my time with buying an apartment, quitting my job, starting a new job and reigniting my love affair with my First Kiss from high school. After a passionate and unexpected reunion with First Kiss, he ditched me yet again and dropped off the face of the planet. Which takes us to about the time I realised I was actually by myself...

I finally had to deal with the fact that I did not have a boyfriend, to fill my time and to give my energy to, and to avoid getting to know myself. But, since then I have in fact met myself several times... through my depression, loneliness, joy and freedom of being single. And I decided I actually don't mind myself... most of the time anyway.

Being the lover that I am... I can't help but fall in love. Not necessarily in the sense of romantic love though... I've fallen in love with all the things I've realised I've been missing out on. Or, rather the things I hadn't allowed myself to discover because I was too busy being a 'we' instead of being a 'me'. And of course, being a lover of boys and being single for the first time in forever, I just couldn't help myself in that department either. Don't worry, I haven't jumped into a relationship again... but I'm seeing the world with new eyes. After all (as the song playing is ironically singing) "I'm young free and single, I just want to mingle with you..." So I've been going out, and meeting new people. Fresh new and interesting people who have inspired and moved me in ways I didn't know were possible.

There are two in particular who come to mind... and who you will probably hear lots more about in future blogs... First there's Mr.... Mr.... how do I name him? Maybe it'll be best to describe him first, and that will help me name him. He is mature and sensible (that makes him sound so boring! But I assure you he is not), we have so much in common, and he is grounded, driven and passionate about what he does. I almost want to name him Mr Sensible, because the sensible side of me thinks he is totally perfect for me... but I'm only starting to scratch the surface with getting to know him, and being sensible seems so boring, which again, he isn't. Don't worry, his name will surely come to me. For now, I guess I'll just call him plain and simple Mr. So Mr and I have been hanging out for a little while now, and the more I know him, the more I like him. We both enjoy doing the same things, and we're both in the same boat... he has also come out of a long term relationship not too long ago and not ready for another relationship. Right from the beginning, it's been really great. Easy, open, honest and fun. And the more I know him, the more relaxed I feel around him. He is someone I really respect as a person, and I like so many qualities of his personality. He makes me feel like I can be anyone I want... I suppose that's the beauty of being with someone who doesn't really know you... You CAN be anyone you want, cause it's a blank slate. No preconceptions, no expectations.

Then there's Salsa Boy. In my new found self, I found I LOVE salsa dancing and latin music. For some reason, it really speaks to me. The culture, the soul of it... I feel like it belongs inside of me. Like in some past life I must have been a latin beauty... (that's my fantasy, and I'm sticking to it! My surname is Spanish, so it must be a sign!) Anyway, so I had been going to Latin nights at one of my local clubs and dancing with random people. That's one of the great things about the culture and dancing. It's so approachable... someone asks you to dance, and you dance. You dance with all your heart, your soul, your body. Then the song finishes, and you smile, introduce yourself and dance with the next person. I've met a lot of wonderful people, and don't feel so bad about going out by myself, because you know there'll always be someone who will take your hand and share a wonderful moment with you, but not make you feel indebted to them for it. So anyway, I got introduced to Salsa Boy by a friend, and we danced. For the first time, I didn't want the song to end, I didn't want to ever stop dancing with him. Not only was he a fantastic dancer, he also plays several instruments in the band. And just like that, he changed something inside of me. It was like he spoke to my soul. And it's not even a sexual thing. Because again, I don't want him to be my boyfriend, and I don't even need to be intimate with him... I just want to be around him... He knows I have a crush on him, but he doesn't want a girlfriend. Of course he doesn't! He's a musician and a great dancer and probably has girls dripping off him... I just want to be a part of his world though... I want to be near him. Spend time with this person who somehow opened up my soul and doesn't even know it. The weird thing about all this is, I've started writing poetry again and also started writing songs, as if they had always been there waiting to get out. Where the f*** did he get the key to my soul from? And how can he be so non-chalant about opening it up?

Both these people have had such a profound impact on my existence and they don't even know it. One has given me the stage to be anyone I want to be, and has been patient enough with me to let me discover it... The other has unlocked this soul deep inside me that feels ancient and opressed and has finally been set free... And at the same time I didn't have to sacrifice being alone and independent for any of it. I feel blessed to know them both, but both leave me wanting more. In different ways? I don't know...

So there we go... that's the 'Loving' part covered so far. The eating part... my other true love, that will come. At the moment I'm too broke to be eating anything very moving. But! I have decided that I'm going to cook dinner for Mr tomorrow. Not that I cook... I eat. But it'll be an interesting meal, and I will surely report with details soon. Stay tuned...