Bruised, but not Broken...

I've been off the radar lately. Partly because I've been working hard, and partly because I've been busy hanging with a boy rather than writing about boys. Well, yet again I've been unlucky in love... So here I am, sharing my tales of woe.

I'm a person who wears my heart on my sleeve. Not ever do I do anything that I don't whole heartedly invest myself into. Sometimes it means getting hurt, but I don't think I'd have it any other way. Right now, I don't really know how I feel. Over the last couple of days I've felt sad, lost, hurt, angry, defeated... well just shit really. But I suppose it's all worth it, cause I don't think I would take any of the time back. I hate to admit it, but I really did have the time of my life over the past few months, and I can't really remember the last time I was that happy. Was it worth it? Of course. In fact I was so happy, and having so much fun, I didn't realise how much I actually cared.

People are strange creatures (boys in particular are the more curious species, I find). We're all afraid of being alone, yet we're all so afraid to let ourselves be vulnerable. We're all so strong and independent, yet all we want is for someone to love and care for us so we feel wanted and validated. We don't want to hurt, but we all want to be loved with no risk involved? Well, I don't believe in that... I've had my heart broken a few times now. But you know what? Every time I do, my heart just gets a little bigger. And I may hurt now, but at least I felt something wonderful, and exciting, and intimate, and special... and real. Even if it was only real to me.

I'm bruised, yes. It hurts that someone you care about so much, doesn't care for you in the same way. Actually, it totally sux. But I'll get over it, and I'll do it all again if I have to. I don't mind being on my own, but I'm not afraid to admit that I don't want to end up alone. I want to go through life feeling... even if it means feeling like shit sometimes. Being bruised isn't so bad, as long as you don't let it break you into someone too afraid to love again.

Blah... blah... blah...

I feel a little bit lost at the moment. I've had a pretty good run with boys, and I've been having a great time... call me hormonal, or a woman, or emotional, or human, but I'm beginning to feel a little empty. I guess I just want to love someone, and for them to love me back. I really miss that feeling of being safe with someone. As much as I love being an independent woman, I guess I feel a little bit lonely sometimes as well. I've met so many fun and amazing people on my journey so far, and making new friends and discovering myself again has been some of the best times I've ever had. But I guess I just want someone who I don't always have to be fun in front of, and someone who I can show my weaknesses to... and someone who will love me at the end, and still think the world of me, even after they've seen my tears, and how ridiculous I can be.

I'm not unhappy... I'm still having heaps of fun. I guess past all the fun and smiles and partying, you can sometimes begin to feel a little empty. I love being the person I am, and I am so grateful for the awesome people around me. Sometimes I just get a little tired, and all I want is to just be me... even if that means feeling a little sad and sorry and allowing myself to indulge in those feelings even just for a while.

Forgive me for my selfishness... but I want this blog to be as honest a representation of myself as possible. And sometimes, we all feel like poop. No matter how lucky we are, and no matter how things are going we all fall into the trap of feeling a little bit lonely. I've never really fit in anywhere... I've always been a little odd. I like it like that, it's who I am. So as well as sharing my crazy and fun journey of food and boys, I'm also sharing with you the honest part of me. Don't worry, tomorrow is a new day and I will have already talked myself into a better mood. Sometimes, all we want is for someone to listen. So thanks, I feel better already... x

Grrr... Persimmon Attack

Yikes, I'm turning into a mushy persimmon again. How did this happen? Could be that Hot Boy is so damn hot! (Hence the name) I was so fine before he came along... hahaha that's what I keep telling myself anyway! I can feel myself falling, and me being me... I just can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve. You see my problem is, that the last thing I ever want to be is a ball breaker. I'm a people pleaser... well I'd like to be anyway. And so I try to play it so cool, that maybe I don't really show how much of myself I am actually investing... It's not that I let people walk over me, but I tend to give too much then burn out. Hmmm am I sounding like a psycho now? No.. der I'm just a woman.

I went salsa dancing for the first time in ages the other night and it was so fun! I was also having a drink in a bar, and Quentin Tarantino was sitting behind me! I've been a little down lately cause I didn't get a call back for ABC 3 which I sent an audition tape in for... You can watch my video on the side bar! >>> There are so many things that I love doing. And as much as I love my job, I don't want to do it forever. I'm feeling lost and mushy and now I'm just rambling sweet nothings. So I will leave you with this crazy poem I wrote the other day... (don't hate on me cause I secretly want to be a gansta biatch)

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Makes me nervous, wanna heave
Fuck this crazy heartfelt shit
I won't be nobody's bitch!
How'd I get so goddamn soft?
Wanna rip this damn sleeve off

Food Affair

I've been doing way too much eating & loving lately, and not enough writing! But boy have the adventures been fun and so I'm back to share the love...

Where do I begin? I've been on a few food adventures to some nice new places, and with the company of Hot Boy at home, I've been at the stove doing some cooking as well!

One of my fave new places is Big Rig diner! Serving up fresh fajitas, hot dogs, burgers and Jack Daniels chilli con carne till 3am, it was sure to get my attention right from the beginning! Sitting in the booths there makes you feel like you're in a real American diner. And the super fruity white sangia is way too easy to drink. Apart from the masses hanging out the front trying to get into Ruby Rabbit on a Saturday night, this place is super cool and all the cool cats seem to be hanging out there at the moment. It's the new hospitality slut joint on a Saturday night, which means the food must be good!

In my own kitchen, breakfast seems to be my forte... Hey, when you have a Hot Boy sleeping in your bed, it's enough reason to be celebrating with good food in the morning! My new signaure dish is toad-in-hole BLTs with home made onion jam. Goddamn, they are good! (Even if I do say so myself) and apparently Hot Boy seems to agree... cause he seems to keep coming back for more ;) Although this week I made home made pancakes with caramel bananas, bacon & maple syrup, and I have to say they were definitley a close contender in the signature race... But enough tooting on my own horn more food adventures await!...

The new restaurant Omerta in Darlinghurst was another foodgasm experience I enjoyed recently! We started off with some salted cod fritters, moved onto spiced salami with runny eggs, had some char grilled king prawns (look, you'll have to forgive my poor food descriptions here... there was Hot Boy sitting across from me who was wonderful to perve at while I was having a foodgasm - it was all too much to take in detailed food descriptions as well...) but the
highlight of my evening was definitely the pork belly with mustard fruits. Oh lordy... I wanted to take that stuff home, bathe in it, soak in it, purée it into a lotion and rub myself with it, then maybe lick it off myself slowly throughout the day... Ehem, excuse me... I tend to get slightly carried away... but this was food porn at it's best! Only it wasn't porn cause I could actually put it in my mouth... Yummm...

Wow... All this talk of food is making me hungry! Lucky I am on my way to see the family with some chicken soup I made last night with a fresh baguette and truffle butter... Mmmm... Hopefully mum has some good ole Filipino treats for me as well!

Girl meets Boy

Why do us females have to be so complicated? I see myself going through the following motions as if I were a third person, and I find myself wanting to bloody kick myself into some sense. Nevertheless I am female, and therefore prone to the following ridiculousness...

Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Boy seems to like girl. Girl and boy start to hang out... Girl and boy have a really good time together and enjoy each others company. Girl and boy seem to be seeing more & more of each other and kissing and cuddling and all that mushy stuff. Girl and boy continue to see each other and have loads of fun together. Girl starts to fall for boy... Uh oh... This seems to be when the franticness starts... the following thoughts henceforth begin to occur:

Does he actually like me? Where is this going? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? What if I'm just a rebound? Am I ready to do this again? Should we talk about this? Maybe he's just seeing me because it's... SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Once I've finally beat myself with a pole until I start thinking like a normal person, I start to realise this: opening our hearts, and letting go is exciting, yes. But it also makes us vulnerable. Which I now begin to realise is a wonderful thing!? This is the best part about boys... the kind of knowing, but not definitely knowing... the thrill of the chase... the joy of being caught... the fact that you dig someone and they actually dig you back. But the deceiving thing about this vulnerability, is that it feels so similar to insecurity.... nothing is defined or confirmed or categorised yet. And hell... you really don't know what this is, or where it's going... But does it actually matter? If we think too much about it, then we forget to enjoy ourselves... and before we know it, we're bored and not really having much fun cause we're too busy thinking about it. You see what I mean? I know how ridiculous this is... but the funniest thing is, I know I'm not alone in this craziness! Girls, please tell me I'm not an over analytical crazy person? It's just so easy to fall into that damn trap! Stuff all this thinking... I'm going to laugh at myself, shake it off, and think like a man.

Moving Forward

Sometimes it's hard to move on, but I think I'm just about ready to. I've been hurt in the past... but I've also fucked up a lot too. And the past can't be changed, nor is it ever really forgotten... I suppose we all just accept and forgive what's happened. After all, we're all just human... and to forget our past is to deny who we are. Holding onto it though, means holding ourselves back. I feel like I'm finally moving on and letting go, and allowing myself to be happy. That's a hard thing to do sometimes. I expect a lot from myself, and I guess it means I tend to punish myself a little as well... But I've come to the conclusion that we're all different and we all make mistakes. I'm nervous and excited, cause I know I'm opening myself up to a whole new world of possibilities, and vulnerabilites... but shit, I'm going head first and I'm going to enjoy the bloody ride. Because to be honest, I think my heart has already decided what it's doing... so, what the hell I might as well cross my fingers and hope for the best, right?

Peek-in-Duck!

Okay, so this post might be a little late, but nevertheless I had to write about it... Peking Duck at Good Luck in Enfield... Oh my, it was sooooo good. I've actually convinced my family to go there for my sister's birthday in a couple of weeks! So excited! Yay! You have to order the duck a day in advance, and believe me it is so worth it. If it wasn't such a pain in the arse to get to by public transport, I would definitely be there more often! The skin on the duck is amazing, and the house made pancakes are soooooo good. Other things on offer were the Kohl Rabi Salad, Masterstock Peanuts, Lamb Hot Pot... and my favourite ending... Toffee Apple Fritters... Yum! Don't even ask me to explain what the food was like. It was just yum. How can you try to explain what actually happens when you eat? For starters, I don't think I could do it justice... and secondly I wouldn't want to spoil the fun! I've been here before, and will definitely be back again. And the best thing? It's so affordable. That's what I love about finding those little golden gems in the suburbs - they're approachable, authentic, and there's no wank. Sometimes all we want is to go out and put something delicious in our mouths without the fandangle, and the hooha... If you want really good Peking Duck, then Good Luck is the place to be!

Ready or Not?

Well, well, well... The cat got my tounge for a little while there didn't it? But I'm here, and I'm back in full force! I've been eating heaps... you can tell by the size of my waist line. But as my girlfriends keep telling me - "It's winter" - and any excuse will do for me! Will write up a post about the best peking duck ever, very soon! I got some great photos, so stay tuned!

Now, it seems as though everything slows down a little during winter... the trees stop growing, it's harder to get up in the morning, and KY stops going so crazy on the boys... Well, not all boys... just all but one... Yikes, am I really ready for this? I try not to think about it too much, but the truth of the matter is.... I'M A GIRL. And well, we tend to think about things way more than we actually need to. I'm a little scared to be completely honest with you, but I'm also having the time of my life. To fall, or not to fall? Do we ever really have a choice in the matter? At the moment, I'm just trying to stay as cool as I can about it. But I find myself thinking about him more and more. It's like an addiction really... you start to think about the next time you can have it, you start to plan your days around it, it makes you happy but also leaves you wanting more... shit! I'm like a junkie on speed. Nevertheless, I think I'm old enough now to be able to hold it together, and I'm wise enough to know that the more I just enjoy the moment, the better off I'll be. So, am I ready... or not? Who even knows what this is, or where it's going... Does it really matter? Why are we constantly trying to define things? I think the most important thing is to be upfront and honest about what we want... both to ourselves, and with the people we are sharing our lives with. Am I happy? Yes... definitely.

To Gregor.

A part of loving, is losing. A part of meeting wonderful new people, means that people may also leave us. A part of this amazing thing we call living, is the inevitable and sad thing called death. How unbelievable to have just met an exciting new and fun person, only to have to say goodbye so soon? I'm not going to try to make this person annonymous... this a tribute to a person who was so vibrant and full of life, and who I was both privileged and unfortunate to only have known for a very short time. Gregor was a part of my family at the Bayswater Brasserie... my local for the past 5 years, and the people who have become my friends and family. I hadn't been to visit in so long till a couple of weeks ago. I went for the launch of their new cocktail list... and ended up in our usual spot - dancing on the table, singing along and drinking with my favourite people. A few nights later I was back there, back on the table, and ended up doing laybacks with the boys from the bar... All I can say is, FUCK do those boys know how to party. And although it was not until last Saturday night that I had actually sat down and had a conversation with Gregor, he was a Brasserie boy. And therefore he was my family. Anyone who is a regular, or who has worked there knows that there is a wonderful sense of belonging there, which is what makes it one of Australia's best bars. After a few drinks, it was like we were old mates.... So it makes me so sad that Gregor had to leave us so abruptly. How are you supposed to cope with that? To be honest, I feel a bit numb. It's like no one can believe that he's gone... Even for me, someone who hardly even knew him... there's that huge feeling of loss. You almost feel like someone is playing a trick on you. Life is so fragile and precious... we tend to forget that. Anyway... here's to you Gregor. I hope that you'll be happy to know that in true Bayswater style, I am sitting on my floor (and not standing on your table), sipping on a martini, and thinking of you babe x

T.I.P. = To Insure Promptness

Whoever said that it's not customary to tip in Australia? Okay, so you don't tip at McDonalds. But if you think that dining out in Sydney doesn't require a form of gratuity, then you're living in the bloody dark ages. I'm sorry, but for someone who works in the service industry I know how much we put into our jobs. Unlike what some people think, we don't get paid $25 an hour... it's more like $16 an hour... and that's for the serious people who do this as their career - that's right down there on the poverty line. Yet we put our bodies and our souls into our work -we smile when people are being assholes, we let you change your order when we know the chef is going to yell at us, we pull you off when you wanna be a wanker, our knowledge of food and wine is pretty good if you would give us a minute... and we do all this whilst folding your napkin, pouring your wine and tucking in your chair afterwards. Know any one person who can keep 30 individuals, who all want different things, all in different moods... all happy at one time? That's what we do, every night. I'm not saying that we're geniuses... most of us aren't, we just do this because we love food, wine... and we love people. We are here to serve. We want to make your meal memorable and pleasant, so you don't have to think or worry. We truly do want you to walk out with a smile on your face. But please... we are not slaves. Please don't click your fingers at us, and maybe try to move your elbows off the table so we can fit your food there... or maybe a smile back every now and then would be nice too? Call me naive, but I think it's just common courtesy. To respect your fellow man, and to treat each other as humans. We all need to stop wanking each other off a bit, treat each other with a little more respect, show a little more GRATUITY, and everyone will be a little happier. Don't give me this 'Global Financial Crisis' bullshit... if you're really doing it tough, then you wouldn't be eating out in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I am a philanthropist. I am a lover of people and of humankind. And that is why I love my job. So please don't let me lose that faith in my fellow man. Service is always included... just not on the bill. As shallow as it might seem... that comes from you - in the form of a tip.

Fate or Fake?

Far out feelings are forlorn
For fathoming my fears
Has found me feeling frightened
Falling for a friend is not for fairytales
But furthermore can be fun
A fantasy fulfilled?
Or fizzle will it out?
Fuck!
Forever is a fearless foe
That finds me flipping out!?
Forgive my frantic phrases...
For I am firm
But flexible enough to fold
Into a fortunate femme
Who finds her feet
In a food filled feast
A fiend for the fabulous

Dating Dilemmas

Before this stint of being single, I hadn't been single in at least eight years. And unlike what people may think from reading my blog, it's not like I'm now going nuts dating every single guy I meet. In fact this whole 'dating' thing is really confusing to me. It seems the rules are very vague, lines get blurred, and where there are lines, they seem to be very fine. Being single has been great in the fact that I've been open to meeting new people, and the ones that have made a certain impact on me, I feel I want to share with you... But I don't want people to misunderstand... and think I'm being careless with people's hearts or feelings. Or that I'm whoring myself around... Maybe I've been too non-chalant about this whole thing. Maybe I've shared too much... or the wrong things? I know I've been hurt lots. Maybe I'm scared to be in a relationship again? I know that I don't want to put myself, or anyone else through the unnecessary hardship that relationships sometimes bring. Maybe I'm freaking out? Nevertheless, I know that I'm searching for more. Like we all are I suppose... Isn't that what everyone wants really? To be validated, and loved, and wanted, and to make someone really, really happy? I'm confused and I'm searching, and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm in the right place, if I'm making a mistake or if I'm going to be alright at the end of it all... But I know I can say that I am trying honestly and openly to find the thing we're all looking for. I guess the hardest thing sometimes, is being completely honest with ourselves about what it is we actually want, and the truth about how we are going to get it... I'm on this crazy rollercoaster that is new and exciting and fun. And scary. And I want to put it down for the record that these are only snippets of my thoughts, and although they could so easily be miscontrued, sharing these thoughts with you helps me feel not so alone on this journey. And maybe, someone will totally get this and not feel so alone on their journey either...

How could I resist?

Alright, alright... so it's not fair to refer to individuals if they don't know about your blog... right? But how about the boys that are absolutely aware that they might possibly appear here??? I mean, I know that writting about boys is trouble, but when someone makes you smile as much as Mr Yummy does, then how could I not write about him? I call him Mr Yummy for the simple reason that he is totally yummy. We eat yummy food together, he is fun to be around and he makes me smile and laugh... And he is my friend. Hmmm.... when I first met him, I purposely didn't take notice of him... "What?!" You might ask... "How do you 'purposely' not notice someone?" But you know when you meet someone, and you're friends with their friends, and it could be danger territory, and you think they might not like asian girls, or whatever... and you kinda don't want to embarass yourself?... Well, as much as I tried to 'not notice' him, and as much as I tried to avoid the fact he was very appealing to the eyes... it just happened, I started spending time with him. He is too easy to be around, he makes me smile too much, and I could be thinking about him too often... But, I am determined not to turn to mush. And Mr Yummy, if you're reading this... Damn you! Those head-shells of yours totally got me ;)

Soul Mates

This is my favourite excerpt from the wonderful book 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. Anyone who has truly loved and lost will understand this quote... It definitely helped me move forward and let go, and I wanted to share it :)

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.”

-Richard from Texas in ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ by Elizabeth GIlbert

The way to my heart...

Yes, you guessed it... is through my tummy! Seriously though, I shared a wonderful meal over the weekend with great company. There is almost nothing in the world that makes me happier! We went to 'A Tavola' in Dalinghurst, and had their delicious hand made pasta... yummmm. But honestly people, food is fantastic - particularly here in Sydney. Now, I know that it can be an intimidating experience, especially if you don't really 'dine out'. But I challenge you (for your own sake and for mine) to please, please get the hell out there and treat yourself (or your loved one) to a nice meal out. Forget the pretense and the wank, we all feel a little stupid and silly like Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman' the first few times we go out to dinner. Don't worry about being judged either. Otherwise, you will miss out on so many fantasic experiences that are so simple, yet stimulate every single one of the senses... And by the way, Hog's Breath, Lone Star, Hooters, etc. are not real dining experiences! Of course they serve some purpose, and there's something to be said about the novelty of six girls, with big tits, line dancing on your table on your birthday. But if you're going to be spending $50 on a meal, you might as well step out of your comfort zone and try eating something new, exciting, fresh, unusual, challenging, interesting... because if you keep an open mind, and an open mouth... ehem... I assure you, you will be pleasantly surprised.

*Photo courtesy of www.smh.com.au

Jew Boy

Okay, okay, so I said I wouldn't write about individual boys anymore. But, this boy actually wants to be in my blog! And, I'm a woman of my word, so here is my shout out to Jew Boy... He even gave himself his own blog name! So, how could I not write about him? And, he even told me what I should write about him! Hehehe... but I must draw the line there... these are my thoughts, dammit! He was even kind enough to pose for a photo with me. So ladies & gentlemen without further adieu, here is Jew Boy. A man of many talents, and single for any ladies out there! Thanks for taking me out for a boogie x

Bye-bye Boys

So I haven't posted for a little while... I've been terribly sick and feeling sorry for myself! Update... I'm finally letting go of Salsa Boy. I've realised that I am not actually a part of his world. If I bump into him, that'd be great - but I no longer consider him to be a part of my life... I'm letting go. As for Mr... Hmmm... I am continuing to hang out with him, and the more I do, the more I respect him. So, I'm also deciding to stop writing about him in my blog. Not that I've ever revealed any personal or intimate details about him... but I respect him too much to share my feelings about him to the random people who might stumble upon this blog and actuallly read it. So... what's going to happen to the 'loving' part of the blog you might ask? I will continue to write about my feelings about boys in general. But I think it's fair not to refer to anyone individually - no matter how annonymous I try to keep them. I seem to forget sometimes that boys might have feelings too! So, here's to loving, losing and learning to respect the people who you care about...

Late night rhymes...

Here's a little poem I wrote at 4am this morning when I couldn't sleep, and I had boys yet again running around in my head.... Grrrr.....

Let me stop thinking about you
Release me from your hold.
You don't even know I'm your prisoner
That I've been wrapped up, packaged and sold...
It's like you won't release me
Even though you didn't put me there
Every time I try to escape you
It's like I'm caught up in a dare
I'm just an innocent lover
Not meaning to intrude
I tried to tell my heart - not you!,
but it decided to get glued
Now I'm feeling like a school girl
All flustered, shy and sweet
But you don't even know
That you've swept me off my feet.
What started off as a cool verse
Is now reduced to mush
When once I was cool and collected
Now I'm just another crush
So brings me to the ending
With no real purpose filled
Cause I'm just another girl to you
Just my contents have been spilled...

Cheesy Boys

I can't sleep and I'm hungry! Food... Tomorrow I'm working my third double in a row... woe is me. Hehe... I feel kinda lame saying that considering the boys in the kitchen work five doubles a week. I seriously don't know how they do it...? Anyway, apart from that things have been pretty good. My mind is always still on food or boys or both. I just ate a big piece of supermarket plastic cheese. Don't ask me why, but I actually was that desperate. And boys? Well Mr definitely made up for going home after dinner the other week by taking me out to my fave restaurant! So that was great... He always seems to come up with the goods. He makes me feel calm and sane, and he was looking particularly hot! And I haven't seen Salsa Boy in a while... for some reason I am totally star struck by him. I just want to be his friend? But, I guess he's just not that into me :( I think I have to try to forget about him as someone who is a part of my life, cause frankly, I'm not part of his... Boo hoo! Oh well... I have to try to get him out of my damn head now. How does one chance encounter with someone leave you damned for a lifetime? Okay, so maybe not a lifetime... but I hardly even know him, and he is in my head everyday? Kinda like cheese... not the plastic kind though...

When it rains, it pours!

Well wouldn't you know it? Both Mr and Salsa Boy text me, and organised to meet up. And I have resolved myself with the fact that I enjoy spending time with both of them, and I should stop thinking about it more than I need to! After always being in relationships, I suppose it was strange hanging out with a guy who I like and respect and not needing to be in a relationship with that person, and for it to be mutual... So that's that. They're both great guys, and I was just thinking myself into a frenzy, when all I am actually doing is meeting new people and making new friends. Women? Why do we have to think about everything so much? I got to de-brief on life with Mr (it was almost like therapy), then I got to salsa the night away with Salsa Boy (who really is my fave dance partner ever). Single life is grand :)

Food... Seriously!

Today I had a lovely meal at Neil Perry's new restaurant Spice Temple. The food was fantastic, and the service was great. Now, before I go on any further I want to set things straight and say that this isn't another one of those 'food blogs'. There are plenty out there, and I think they definitely serve a purpose. But such blogs, and food reviews leave me disconcerted much of the time. I live for food. It is my one great love. And the most wonderful thing about food, is that it is so personal - almost like a religion. Each experience is individual and unique. What you are tasting in your mouth - the flavours, the textures, the way it takes you back to a distant memory... might be completely different to the person sitting next to you eating the same dish. The thing with 'food blogs' and 'reviews', is often I find the writers forget how subjective food is, and rather than reviewing their experiences, they write judgements about food. Ruth Reichl, a past food reviewer for the New York Times writes a wonderful thing in her book 'Garlic & Sapphires' about how uncomfortable reviewing food made her feel sometimes, as we don't even know if an apple tastes the same to one person as it does to the next. Of course there is a lot to learn from people with developed palates, and who are experienced with dining out. And I definitely think it's great to have some kind of guide as to places to eat. But, I can't write about food like that... it's feels too betraying. Like I'm disclosing information about the intimate moments I've shared with a lover. I know, it's corny. But seriously, I don't really think I should be sharing with people the things that go on inside my mouth... Instead, I will write about WHY I eat out, what I'm continually learning about food and why I love it more with each day that goes by. It has been such a wonderful journey for me discovering food, and I only wish more Australians would learn to see the value and art of eating and dining. The amazement of something simple like a piece of chicken being reinveted in so many different ways... or discovering a million flavours you've never even dreamt of tasting (things that go way beyond salty, sour, sweet & bitter)... or eating obscure vegetables like spaghetti squash (or if you're like me growing up in a Filipino household, such vegetables like leek, fennel and so forth were foreign and unusual to me!)... the list goes on and on. It is such a privilege to taste and appreciate such art and labour. I don't really think people realise how labour intensive cooking can be. Chefs work more than anyone else I know. And it disappoints me that food is so easily disregarded. Wow... I got really deep there for a minute! But, food is my passion... the first thing I think of when I wake up (I'm always starving!) and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed (I'm normally feeling full & bloated!). So this is my declaration of love for food! Let's learn to love it and cherish it, for all the days of our lives... let us not forget that this simple necessity, is a thing of wonder and beauty!

Another night at the whorehouse...

Dining out is an art. And, if you can liken fine art to porn, then working in a restaurant can be very much akin to working in a whorehouse. As any artist knows, giving the world art is giving the world your soul, and if people don't want to understand it or can't appreciate it, then they shouldn't be looking at it in the first place. Like porn. Like a restaurant. Like a whorehouse. In order to get the full experience of any of these things, you must be open mided, and aware of where you are and what you are doing. Because while you're getting off (in which ever of the above scenarios you choose), more than likely it's while someone else is getting rammed up the arse with a smile on their face. If you're looking for quick, cheap and easy, then there are plenty of magazines out there, or McDonalds, or the tranny trying to make a quick buck on Liverpool Street. But if you want an 'experience', then you must respect the artists who lube up every night to make your night a memorable one. And remember, leaving 'gratuity' doesn't mean just saying 'thanks'.

Mushy Mess

After having coffee with a girlfriend this afternoon, and chit chatting girly styles, I gave in and sent a text to Salsa Boy. Okay, so I said I wouldn't CALL him... texting is totally different. But seriously as my oh so Wise friend said... "What are you so afraid of?" Well... I wasn't sure? I think I was afraid that I might come across as being desperate for him? I only sent him a text last week... and even though I told him I'm not after a relationship, I feel like maybe he still thinks I do? Plus I want to be a super cool cucumber and not be the one who is always making the initial contact. But again, as Wise One pointed out... "What do you have to lose?" Hmmmm.... nothing I guess? So I gave in right there and then and sent him a message asking if he'd be out tonight. I got a prompt reply saying he was still away, but that he'd be back next week. I even got a kiss at the end! So that's that. So much for being firm... I have officially turned into an overripe mushy persimmon that's way too gooey to eat. All this for a boy I don't even like in 'that way'? No more boy posts for at least a day! Food... I promise the next one will be about food. At least it's simple and sure to stick around... especially on the hips :)

Patience & Persimmons

So I've decided not to call either Mr or Salsa Boy for the time being. Boys, like food take up much of my thought. But food, unlike boys never seems to let me down so miserably... Goodness! Somebody throw a bucket of water over me and slap me across the face please!? Sometimes though, I feel like I need to chill out a little and just go with the flow a little more. I think it's definitely important to make an effort, but sometimes it's also good to just sit back and see how things pan out. I know Mr will call me sooner or later - I just don't want him to feel like I'm pushing things too much. Plus, after pulling out all stops the other night, I feel like I sometimes get a little carried away. As for Salsa boy, I don't know if he'll ever make the effort to get in contact with me? I will surely bump into him eventually at some Salsa night (seeing as I know exactly which ones he goes to!). But I'm not too concerned with that either... I know I definitely don't want to be with him, but I do want to dance with him again! It's nice for two souls to speak to each other without words sometimes.

As for me, I'm just trying to enjoy this time as much as possible... And not think about boys too much! After all I think girls my age are like ripe persimmons... we're still firm and crunchy on the outside, but once you take a bite, we're all sweet and goey on the inside... Hmmm... I don't know if that was the right way to describe us... It sounds more like something out of a porno?! Yikes. But you know what I mean, we haven't gotten bitter yet (although persimmons are more bitter when they are young?) and we're mature enough not to be too gooey inside (which persimmons are more like when they are overripe?). Hmmm... maybe we are like reverse cycle persimmons?

Sneaky Supper

Just got back from a sneaky late night supper at Chat Thai! Yum! Not so good for the belly, but there's just something so cheeky and fun about eating late at night. Plus, it was my Bestie's Birthday, and he had to work all day... So I thought it would only be right to take him out for a bite to eat! Our stomach's brought us together... and our mutual Pinoy-ness kept us together! Big love to my Bestie :) And in ode to my special friend, I made some more salted croutons (the same ones I used for the cheese course the other night) as he is an amazing chef, and the one who taught me how to make these. So here's how to make the yummiest, and simplest treat:



My Bestie's Simple Salted Croutons:


Slice a baguette into fine slices - 2mm thick (This is great for using up stale bread... as long as it's not mouldy!). Pre-heat oven to 180C. Drizzle sliced bread with Olive Oil and season generously with Sea Salt (Maldon Salt is what I use). Bake in oven for 7-10 mins until croutons are golden and crunchy! If you can wait, let them cool... or if you're like me, eat them like chips while they're still hot! I can never wait :( Once cool, keep in air tight container for up to a week.

Eat your heart out...

So dinner with Mr went pretty well tonight. I'm an eater. Not a cook, but I suppose that love for really good food, means a love for cooking. I'm just scared to do it myself. I know so many great chefs, and have eaten many wonderful meals... to think I could do it myself? Seems too imposible. But tonight, somehow I pulled it off. I don't even remember the last time I cooked... I live by myself, which means that cooking is a waste of time, money and mess most of the time. But having the pleasure to cook for someone else is something of a treat. So I planned a four course meal for Mr and me, and it went a little something like this...





First course: Warm Asparagus Salad with Pickled Beetroot, Goats Curd & Hazelnut Vinaigrette:

This is from Justin North's cookbook, I modified it a little by adding the goat's curd, and changed a few of the ingredients cause I didn't have everything in my cupboard. It seemed to work though!


Serves 2

8 Asparagus Spears (peeled)
1 Pickled Baby Beetroot (I did this myself, it was super easy)
Goats Curd
Baby Lamb's Toungue (or Tat Soi if you can find it, but any micro herb will do that's not too overpowering)
Hazelnut Vinaigrette (2 tspn Dijon Mustard, 40ml Red Wine Vinegar, Salt & Pepper, 40ml White Truffle Oil, 40ml Grapeseed Oil, 1 tspn Sugar, 2 tbspn Crushed Hazelnuts - Roasted)

The only cooking you have to do with this, is to sautee the asparagus spears at medium heat for about 3 mins, until they start to colour but are still firm and slightly crunchy. It's sooooo delicious! Then arrange all the ingredients on the plate.

Second Course: Duck a L'Orange


This is a French Classic, and something I should have never tried to cook for the first time, especially for someone who considers their second home Paris! But, of course being stubborn and determined, I tried this recipe from Gourmet Traveller, and Mr seemed to love it... aparently it's one of his favourite dishes :)

Serves 2

2 Duck Breasts (about 200g each)
1 bunch Baby Carrots (trimmed & peeled)
1 cup Chicken Consomme (Campbell's brand from the supermarket is pretty good)
40ml Grand Marnier
1 tbspn Red Wine Vinegar
1 tbspn Honey
1 Orange (peeled and thickly sliced horizontally)
Cinnamon Quils


Score the fat on the duck, and rub generously with salt. Leave in the refrigerator wrapped in paper towel for a couple of hours. Heat a large pan with butter over medium heat and cook the duck skin side down for 5-7 mins until skin is crisp. Turn duck and add carrots. Cook for another 5-7 minutes. Take both duck & carrots of heat, wrap in foil and leave in warm place to rest. In the pan with the remaining butter, add consomme, grand marnier, red wine vinegar & honey. Bring to boil and reduce by about half (about 5 mins) Add orange slices, cook until heated through. Season to taste. Serve duck with orange slices, carrots, cinnamon quils and watercress for garnish.


Course Three: Italian Goats Cheese with Pastillia Nash Prune & Walnut Log


Unfortunately I didn't get a picture of this one :( It was so yummy, I gobbled it down before I could even think to take a pic... Instead I posted a pic of the delicious hazelnuts I roasted. But this one is so super easy... the most important part is getting a really yummy and good cheese. My recommendation is to visit Carmello down at Ocello, the cheese shop on Bourke Street, Surry Hills.



La Tur (Italian Goats, Sheep & Cows Milk)
Pastillia Nash Prune and Walnut Log (finely diced)
Honey
Salted Croutons

Smear the super ripe, yummy cheese onto the salted croutons, and top with diced log & honey! Yes, it's that simple! And believe me... you won't regret it... Yummmmmmmmm. Anyway, what's dinner without a cheese course?


Fourth Course: Apple Tarte Tatin



And, in keeping with the French theme, I finished off our meal with the all time classic Apple Tarte Tatin. Again, super easy. I made it ahead of time and put it in the oven just as we were having our cheese course! Also slightly modified from a recipe I found in Gourmet, this was the perfect way to end the meal!

Makes 4


2 sheets Puff Pastry
2 Granny Smith Apples (peeled & sliced)
Melted Butter
1 tbspn Demerara Sugar
1/4 tspn Ground Cinnamon
Maggie Beer Burnt Fig Ice Cream


Pre-heat over to 180C. Cut 4 circles into the pastry sheets. Arrange apple slices in a circle on the pastry. Brush generously with melted butter. Combine sugar & cinnamon in small bowl and sprinkle over tarts. Bake in oven until golden brown (about 15mins) Serve with a generous scooop of ice cream.


So there you have it! If you've gotten to here and you're still reading, I'm impressed! Recipes don't really do it for me, but I thought it was important to add them, seeing as they were so simple and easy. Even for someone who doesn't cook a lot. I do watch a lot of cooking though! (On television & at work...) I suppose the most important piece of advice is, just do it. And if you feel stupid and don't know what something in the recipe is, don't worry! We've all been there! Just call your mum, or your friend that cooks a lot, or your cousin who is a chef... and just ask them. Don't feel silly about it... I was hoping I would find 'Demerara Sugar' in the sugar isle, and luckily I did. Phew... that's one phone a friend I didn't have to use this time. But seriously, like men, food and cooking can be so intimidating. But they shouldn't be, and once you get over that hurdle, it is so rewarding! And the taste will go on in your mind long after Mr has left you alone on your couch. All that, and I sleep alone tonight? Hmmm, who cares? Tonight, I think I will heart my eat out, and not eat my heart out...

Hearts on display...

This is the thing about blogging... it's out there on the world wide web. I have a journal where I've written my personal thoughts and feelings for the past 15 years or so. But no one ever has to read them... Being me, I always seem to be so brutally honest and open about my life and putting it in a blog just seems like trouble waiting to happen... But nevertheless here I am divulging personal information about my life as if I had verbal diarrhoea. So... I guess I better start from the beginning... no, not the beginning of my life, but the beginning of me. The beginning of me being a sole person, which has never happened before in my adult life. Not until about a year ago, and which I had not actually come to terms with till about five months ago.

Don't worry, I won't make this too long (the operative word being 'too'). Previous to me meeting myself as a single person last year, I had been in a pretty intense relationship with my Soul Mate for almost four years. And previous to that, I had been dating my best friend, and Childhood Sweetheart for four and a half years... literally till the day I started dating Soul Mate. So for the first time in over eight years, I was not in a serious relationship and so I filled my time with buying an apartment, quitting my job, starting a new job and reigniting my love affair with my First Kiss from high school. After a passionate and unexpected reunion with First Kiss, he ditched me yet again and dropped off the face of the planet. Which takes us to about the time I realised I was actually by myself...

I finally had to deal with the fact that I did not have a boyfriend, to fill my time and to give my energy to, and to avoid getting to know myself. But, since then I have in fact met myself several times... through my depression, loneliness, joy and freedom of being single. And I decided I actually don't mind myself... most of the time anyway.

Being the lover that I am... I can't help but fall in love. Not necessarily in the sense of romantic love though... I've fallen in love with all the things I've realised I've been missing out on. Or, rather the things I hadn't allowed myself to discover because I was too busy being a 'we' instead of being a 'me'. And of course, being a lover of boys and being single for the first time in forever, I just couldn't help myself in that department either. Don't worry, I haven't jumped into a relationship again... but I'm seeing the world with new eyes. After all (as the song playing is ironically singing) "I'm young free and single, I just want to mingle with you..." So I've been going out, and meeting new people. Fresh new and interesting people who have inspired and moved me in ways I didn't know were possible.

There are two in particular who come to mind... and who you will probably hear lots more about in future blogs... First there's Mr.... Mr.... how do I name him? Maybe it'll be best to describe him first, and that will help me name him. He is mature and sensible (that makes him sound so boring! But I assure you he is not), we have so much in common, and he is grounded, driven and passionate about what he does. I almost want to name him Mr Sensible, because the sensible side of me thinks he is totally perfect for me... but I'm only starting to scratch the surface with getting to know him, and being sensible seems so boring, which again, he isn't. Don't worry, his name will surely come to me. For now, I guess I'll just call him plain and simple Mr. So Mr and I have been hanging out for a little while now, and the more I know him, the more I like him. We both enjoy doing the same things, and we're both in the same boat... he has also come out of a long term relationship not too long ago and not ready for another relationship. Right from the beginning, it's been really great. Easy, open, honest and fun. And the more I know him, the more relaxed I feel around him. He is someone I really respect as a person, and I like so many qualities of his personality. He makes me feel like I can be anyone I want... I suppose that's the beauty of being with someone who doesn't really know you... You CAN be anyone you want, cause it's a blank slate. No preconceptions, no expectations.

Then there's Salsa Boy. In my new found self, I found I LOVE salsa dancing and latin music. For some reason, it really speaks to me. The culture, the soul of it... I feel like it belongs inside of me. Like in some past life I must have been a latin beauty... (that's my fantasy, and I'm sticking to it! My surname is Spanish, so it must be a sign!) Anyway, so I had been going to Latin nights at one of my local clubs and dancing with random people. That's one of the great things about the culture and dancing. It's so approachable... someone asks you to dance, and you dance. You dance with all your heart, your soul, your body. Then the song finishes, and you smile, introduce yourself and dance with the next person. I've met a lot of wonderful people, and don't feel so bad about going out by myself, because you know there'll always be someone who will take your hand and share a wonderful moment with you, but not make you feel indebted to them for it. So anyway, I got introduced to Salsa Boy by a friend, and we danced. For the first time, I didn't want the song to end, I didn't want to ever stop dancing with him. Not only was he a fantastic dancer, he also plays several instruments in the band. And just like that, he changed something inside of me. It was like he spoke to my soul. And it's not even a sexual thing. Because again, I don't want him to be my boyfriend, and I don't even need to be intimate with him... I just want to be around him... He knows I have a crush on him, but he doesn't want a girlfriend. Of course he doesn't! He's a musician and a great dancer and probably has girls dripping off him... I just want to be a part of his world though... I want to be near him. Spend time with this person who somehow opened up my soul and doesn't even know it. The weird thing about all this is, I've started writing poetry again and also started writing songs, as if they had always been there waiting to get out. Where the f*** did he get the key to my soul from? And how can he be so non-chalant about opening it up?

Both these people have had such a profound impact on my existence and they don't even know it. One has given me the stage to be anyone I want to be, and has been patient enough with me to let me discover it... The other has unlocked this soul deep inside me that feels ancient and opressed and has finally been set free... And at the same time I didn't have to sacrifice being alone and independent for any of it. I feel blessed to know them both, but both leave me wanting more. In different ways? I don't know...

So there we go... that's the 'Loving' part covered so far. The eating part... my other true love, that will come. At the moment I'm too broke to be eating anything very moving. But! I have decided that I'm going to cook dinner for Mr tomorrow. Not that I cook... I eat. But it'll be an interesting meal, and I will surely report with details soon. Stay tuned...

Eating, Loving & The Blues

So... here I am, another bloddy blogger. But I just couldn't resist. My name is Kylie, but you can call me KY, as my friends do... I know, an embarassing nickname that an ex-boyfriend gave me, and even introduced me to his mum as! But anyway, this is my blog... all about eating & loving... and sometimes the blues.